I keep telling the people around me, can you believe it’s only 3 weeks to the end?
19 days for me to be exact. If this isn’t the FINAL lap, I don’t know what is. On hindsight, all the previous “final laps” don’t count, and now that I’ve mentioned, they all sounded a bit silly actually. It’s perhaps only human to segregate life into moments, that’s why we have so many final laps but we never really get there.
Then I wonder, what is this THERE that we were working for anyway?
When I was young, way before I had any notion of age, my THERE was studying in a university and earning big bucks so I give them to the people I love. I don’t recall but I had apparently promise to give my auntie/nanny a monthly allowance of $100 when I grow up - a promise I hope to fulfill as far as I can once I start having a stable income. Of course, I was happy then - life was only about stealing chocolate from the fridge and running along the corridor in panties.
When I was in primary six, my THERE was getting into Dunman High (don’t ask why ’cause I don’t remember) but I got into TK instead. But I was happy and spent some of the best days of my life there - UG and TKBand combined.
When I was in secondary two, my THERE was getting into one of the science classes but I got into arts (and effectively downgraded from the 2B to 3G). But I was happy ’cause I met Collin who proved to be a worthy friend/confidante/bf/pillar through the years.
When I was in secondary four, my THERE was getting into the science faculty of TJC but I got into AJC eventually. But I was happy ’cause in 26/02, I met all the nicest people around that darn mugger compound.
When I was in J2, my THERE was getting into SMU Business but I got into NUS Arts, and that truthfully, was perhaps the biggest setback to me in my entire academic life. Well, I can’t say I am happy but I pulled through and here I am standing at the perceived dumps I thought I was deserted at 4 years ago. A little wiser. Much more grown up. I am content.
If happiness is sublimal, perhaps content is just fine and maybe even better than happiness itself. I could ask more from life, but I am content with life as it is now. I have shifted myself out of the rat race and got myself into a different game play where in this race, my only competitor was no one but myself. In this case, I can fall and am sure that no one will trample on my demise. And if I rise, I have overcome no one but myself.
It’s no fun being put on the see saw constantly.
Looking back, perhaps I was mediocre – mediocre enough not to always end up wherever I wanted to go. But mediocrity is really a standard set by no one but yourself. For the little girl who only wanted to study in college, I am THERE.
On the contrary, if I were the girl who studied at Dunman High, got into the science stream consequently, then went on to TJC, and eventually ended up at SMU, I don’t know if I will still like the girl that I would have become. I’m no insinuating that it will be bad ‘cause I really do not know. But I know I am comfortable with the person I am now, with my values and beliefs.
There are times where I fear that my confidence and optimism are in fact shells that shield the reality. I don’t know what it really is this time round but I don’t think so.
We can only believe, set your destination and work towards it – doesn’t matter if you get there eventually or not ‘cause the journey is much sweeter.